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BErKaNa: Growth. Rebirth. Birch Tree.

small, beautiful things

Wondering @ 12:14 am

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Am a bit frustrated at being awake, but since I am, I found my way back here. I cannot believe that an entire year has gone by without me journaling. I have been writing life down, every day, but to not pull together more cohesively than posts on Facebook seems just odd. But then again, the way life has been the last year, snippets of info, thoughts, ideas -- instead of long, thoughtful, crafted posts -- has been the pace of things.

I do lie in bed often, nursing Maeve to sleep, thinking of things to write about, but by the time she is done, I, too, have drifted off, or have lost the essence and desire of the piece.

Often, I feel the urge, but not the creativity, and an emptiness descends into that place that writes. *shrug*

Sometimes I feel the future in my bones, and it holds more flow and more writing.

Like today, I read a book while sitting in the sun, drinking a beer. Not feeling the need to do anything but that -- for the first time, literally, in years. Was a crazy moment of quiet, joyous recharging. In that rather stolen moment, I sensed more to come, a balancing that feeds on itself, because of shifts in Maeve's independence and capabilities and because of others fitting well in the place that I have wholly filled in her life. Change, change, change.

I have been happy to be the big piece for her, and I am also now happy to shift subtly to something different, but equal.

I am extraordinarily happy to know that I am still here, vibrantly so, though quietly fallow, after these three years. No regrets and angst over the former shift, but also feeling deeply in my bones the reaching into this new one. So much to explore that is new, and to rediscover old loves.

Now, back to that book, because the computer cannot take it all. :)

BErKaNa: Growth. Rebirth. Birch Tree.

small, beautiful things